The Fundemental Principle of Dual Functionality
Published on Tuesday 30 September 2003
Through my own experience of life, which has gone on for some time now (some as in 17ish years. Or 18ish if you're being pedantic. 90% of pedantic people are misunderstood 80% of the time. By normal people of course. But then 75% of the population are pedantic 85% of the time. That means, naturally, that 58% of the people who read this will be utterly confused, provided I'm being pedantic now. Of which there is a 72% chance. So you better just watch it ). I have deduced, so far, one thing.
In order to be worthwhile, any object must have at least two functions, or none at all.
This holds true for anything it is applied to. It's built into the deepest parts of the mind of any creative person. Except the Chinese and Americans but I think they steal all their ideas anyway.
Take for instance the can opener. Who of you can truthfully say they possess a one-function can opener, which is their prized possession? None of you. Surely any halfhearted can opening device also has at least one other feature, such as a bottle opener, or a small transistor radio. Any decent food mixer also has attatchments for slicing, blending or scalping. Find me a shovel that doesn't work as a frying pan, or a watch worth keeping, that doesn't have a feature specifically designed to tell you the wrong date. Very useful. Show me good fertiliser that you can't make bombs from, or a folder without a self destruct, everything land on the floor, function. Even paper, would you believe, has a feature that allows it to get out of order, or just evapourate when it bares something important. Like I said. This is "The Fundemental Principle of Dual Functionality." As discovered first by myself.
As with any scientific rule, with no exceptions, completely reliable, always dependable, learn this and everything else is easy, trust me on this one it's always right, there are exceptions.
It is..the biro. The bane of my life. Even the biro-lid has three functions; To protect the pen and your pocket, and to go missing. But the biro has only one. To destroy. A biro is like a time bomb, waiting to go off. Put one in your pencil case, and before long, everything will be covered in sticky, non-washable biro c**p. Your case will be vandelised and graphiteed beyond repair. Give it another few days, and bang. The bomb goes off. The budget plastic shell finally snaps and the floundering pen vomits out biro c**p everywhere, in it's death throws, as you wait at the bus stop.
Biros never run out of their biro c**p. Even with the fantastic rate at which they chuck the stuff out out, they never run out. If you walked into WHSmiths and stated in a loud booming voice,
"I WOULD LIKE TO BUY A NEW CHEAP BIRO PEN -FOR IT SEEMS THAT MINE HAS ENTIRELY RUN OUT OF STICKY INKY C**P" They would just stare at you in disbelief. And probably phone the police. Because they would instantly mistake you for a drunken retard, talking deleriously.
I think it's all a big scam. I will find out.
Pete.
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12:20 30/09/03
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