Ode To A Dung Beetle
Published on Tuesday 30 September 2003
Why do humans look so uninteresting? They're so.. humanoid. There's just too much humany humaness going on round here. Don't get me wrong now, I'm not bored with humans or anything, and I wouldn't have them any other way, it's just the human form is perhaps the most non-commital, sitting-on-the-fence-y, just stick two arms on it and it'll work type of being there is.
Is this making sense yet? No? OK, let's look at the dung beetle. A fantastic piece of design, looks great, glossy finish, available in several different tones, virtually indestructable (on it's scale of things), and able to sculpt using s**t. I think they can fly, they find their own food, etc etc.
The preying mantis. Again looks great, totally camoflaged, loads of different colours and sizes, head that kind of swivels on a ball joint, alien type eyes... I could go on and on. The bat: sonar. The cat: night vision. All these creatures put humans to shame, even the barnacle.
The human, head rotates through 180 degrees, but this can cause spraining, so is ill advised. Can bend down to pick stuff up, but over-repeatition can cause rupture. Running is an option, but stitches can occur. Can often mircowave a meal to some degree of edability. Has no built in system of keeping warm. Can't see in the dark, no sonar, no camoflage, can't fly, can't sculpt using... actually no, can't attach to rocks while feeding off algae (I've tried, but much to my dissapointment it isn't possible), can't burrow, and only available in a few different shades. (Southern type darker skin, Northern type fair skin, and Albino type see-through skin).
This, as you can see is a fairly poor set of credentials. Very few animals come lower. I've had a few top scientists on this, and they came up with only two lower rated animals. Dogs were one. They released two dogs into the wild, where they did OK finding their own food, but were unable to mate without the presence to neighbours trying to get to sleep next door. (something I had suspected for a long time). After three weeks they exploded. At first this was a shock, but then I realised that dogs actually need cars or lamposts in order to urinate, the pressure build up must have been enormous.
Stick insects rated lowest of all. True, they are well camoflaged, but what's the point? The animal kingdom made the stick insect because it could, not because it needed one. Somewhere in the plant kingdom there is a stick, perfectly camoflaged to look just like a stick insect.
Where does a stick insect go when it dies? Probably nowhere for a while, as mother nature checks for life signs, "Just one more day, we had better be sure. Which branch was it on yesterday?" Then once you know the creature is definately dead, there comes the classification dilema. This is a drawn out process where legs are counted, then recounted, and finally it ends up in a box at the bottom of God's wardrobe, with a chipstick, a handful of twiggy foliage, and a selection of green pens. (Not biros, because they go to hell, where they came from).
The stick insect is left to lie there, thinking, "What the f**k was all that about then? Is this it God? Was that the best you could do?"
"Well.. I..."
"I may as well have been a friggin stick."
"We gave you everything you needed, you could have been anything you wanted."
"No I couldn't. I was stick shaped, my legs kept falling off, I was slow beyond belief, my rudimentary digestive system could only cope with a few varieties of broad leaved fern, and to top it all off, if I stayed in the open I could get eaten by birds."
"Erm....hmmm. Legs? That's not my department anymore, speak to Gabriel, he's QC manager. The truth is, you wrecked your own life by turning to evil drugs to keep you going."
"You forced me to turn to hash. You can't blame me, you've never had to be a stick insect. You made me a stick insect, when I could have been a dung beatle. They come with a glossy finish, and they can play with s**t all day, they don't have to be stoned to survive."
"Everyone wants to be a dung beatle. I'm sure you can understand that there are only a limited number of positions..."
"Let me be one next then, seeing as I've had to be a stick insect."
"Next? No second chances I'm afraid, you've screwed up as much as you ever will."
"Why? You vindictive b***ard!"
The stick insect tried to attack God, but his efforts were futile. God wanted to punish him severely, but his imagination failed him as he tried to think up something worse than being a drugged up dead stick insect with no legs. Looking at the insect, God did have to feel something for him. Pityful little thing.
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12:25 30/09/03
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