The Smith Network Welcomes You (Again)
Published on Tuesday 30 September 2003
The Smith Network is brought back on-line and is now broadcasting to a larger, and more reluctant network than ever before. The Smith Network asks anyone who would complain, to not.
Investigating on the frontiers of science, as ever, the Smith Network has yet again discovered a new phenomonum. Sprout Behavior Syndrome. Sounds strange at first doesn't it. Sprout Behavior Syndrome, otherwise known as "Funny how you keep arriving here at this hour every year, mushy incesant nasty greens," syndrome, or "FHYK! AHa! They ming!" Syndrome.
They wait for us, behind the carrots. Beneath the potatoes. Near the broccoli. Working in teams, one group distracts us with a brilliant special offer, "SAVE SAVE SAVE!!! Spend over £5 on Somerfield Basics Boiled Sweets, and get 10% off your next purchase of Basics Pickled Gurkins! (Warning, offer only applies to crinkle cut gurkins. Produce may be inedible at time of purchase)".
As we stare blankly, mesmerised by the idea that it may be possible to save a negligable amount of money, by spending more on something that we'll never want or use, which may well be inedible at the time of purchase - as we do all that - team two get to work. Jumping one by one accross the gap between the trolly and the vegetable counter, they clear the distance and scale the side of the trolly, using their half formed leaffy type bits to great effect on the chrome plated bars. Once within the trolly it's every underdeveloped sprout for himself as they nestle into produce bought from elsewhere in the shop. Inevitably some slip though the grateing and are trodden into the floor but it's all for the good of sprout-kind...
...through a mouthful of blessed turkey,
"Gabrial? Remind me. What the f*** is this, and why do I always get them at this time of the year?"
Sprouts reach all. Job done. Sprouts live on.
Sprout Behavior Syndrome is not just limited to Sprouts though. It is seen all over the place. People turn up at Christmas. People who you've never seen since last christmas, and you've spent 11 months trying to forget, they turn up. They turn up and expect you to look after them for weeks in exchange for £2.50 worth of Somerfield Basics Boiled sweets and a jar of gurkins to share with your sister, (crinkle cut) tastefully wrapped with an elastic band and a plastic bag, with your name in biro. "SOMERFIELDS To Pete PRICE SAVERS, from Uncle."
Don't be fooled this year. You don't even like boiled sweets really. Not when you think about it.
Research by Pete at the Smith Network, Shipston on Stour.
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14:07 30/09/03
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