The Smith Network Welcomes You
Published on Tuesday 30 September 2003
Here in Shipston there have been strange happenings afoot. With the Smith Network fully online I should be finally able to control the situation. It has come to my attention that in Shipston there is a new phenomonem breaking out. I have named it the "PBHPUSDCT" principle, or affectionatly, Phucked. Phone rage. But not the type of shouting down the phone that you might have thought, no, it's much worse. We've all felt a little Phucked from time to time I bet. It's the incredible rage that developes very quickly inside any real human when nobody but you ever seems to pick up the damn phone. As the ringing gets louder and louder... with no end in sight, just because no one can be ****** to get off their lazy fat ****ing ****es to ****ing....
I've seen the effects this can have on poeple; men, women and children. It's so sad. Lying there, sweating, only able to mutter three short words. "Someone get that." they manage, "Someone get that."
I personally get regularly phucked. This is primarily due to my hatred of loud, high pitched, ringing and buzzing sounds, though it may also stem from a childhood fear of the red "Direct Line Insurance" phone, a satanic beeping telephone on wheels. It drives under your car and sabotages the vehicle by unscrewing your oil filter with it's hand-set, all the time beeping it's revoltingly high pitched cheerful little song.
"Sorry, your policy doesn't cover costs incurred following sabotage by satanic red telephones."
"I thought it was fully comprehensive?"
"Well Mr Smith, there's fully, and there's "fully", you see? We make our money by scamming people like you, Mr Smith."
Anyway, all is not lost. The Smith Network can now offer you a product to completely end that feeling you get when you're phucked. The ORGASM (Optional Ring Gas Attack System Master) plugs into your existing phone system. When an incomming call is recieved, mustard gas is released into your home, slowly at first, then quickly, until someone answers the phone. This ensures that no one leaves the phone ringing longer than absolutely necessary. Prices start at £100 for the basic system. £50 for refills. (I can't imagine why anyone would deliberately spend £50 to ensure that their phone releases a sufficient quantity of toxic gas...)
Must go. Work to do. Phones to answer.
Pete
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14:07 30/09/03
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