Silicon Pines - The Toughest Decision
Published on Tuesday 30 September 2003 in http://www.satirewire.com/features/siliconpines
The Toughest Decision: Should My Loved One Be Placed In An Assisted Computing Facility?
For family members, it is often the most difficult and painful decision they will face: to accept that a loved one - a parent, a spouse, perhaps a sibling - is technologically impaired and should no longer be allowed to live independently, or come near a computer or electronic device without direct supervision. The time has come to place that loved one into the care of an Assisted Computing Facility. But you have questions. So many questions. We at Silicon Pines want to help.
WHAT EXACTLY IS AN "ASSISTED COMPUTING FACILITY"?
Sometimes referred to as "Homes for the Technologically Infirm," "Technical
Invalid Care Centres," or "Homes for the Technically Challenged," Assisted
Computing Facilities, (ACFs), are modeled on assisted living facilities, and
provide a safe, structured residential environment for those unable to handle
even the most common, everyday multitasks. Most fully accredited ACFs,
like Silicon Pines, are oases of hope and encouragement that allow residents to
lead productive, technologically relevant lives without the fear and anxiety
associated with actually having to understand or execute the technologies
themselves.
WHO SHOULD BE IN AN ACF?
Sadly, technology is advancing at such a dramatic rate that many millions, of
all ages, will never truly be able to understand it, putting an undue burden on
those friends and family members who must explain it to them. But unless
the loved one is suffering from a truly debilitative affliction, such as
Reinstallzheimers, the decision to commit is entirely personal. You must
ask yourself, "How frustrated am I that my parent/sibling/spouse is unable to
open an email attachment?" "How much of my time should be taken up explaining
how RAM is different from hard drive memory?" "How many times can I bear to hear
my dad say, 'Hey, can I replace the motherboard with a fatherboard?
Ha ha ha!'" To make things easier, we have prepared a list of
Warning Signs which we encourage you to return to often
or, if you can't figure out how to bookmark, print out.
MUST IT BE FAMILY, OR CAN I PLACE ANYONE IN AN ACF?
Several corporations have sought permission to have certain employees, or at
times entire sales departments, committed to ACFs. At present, however,
individuals can be committed only by direct family, or self-internment.
The reason is simple: there are not nearly enough ACFs in the world to
accommodate all the technologically challenged. For example, there are
currently 860,000 beds available in ACFs, but there are 29 million AOL users.
HOW MUCH WILL IT COST?
ACF rents range from free* up to $12,500 per month. The disparity is currently a
point of contention in the ACF industry. Many residents are covered
through government programs such as Compucaid or Compucare, but reimbursement
rates are low and only cover a portion of the fees. Exacerbating the
situation are the HMOs (Helpdesk Maintenance Organizations), which often deny
coverage, forcing residents to pay out of pocket or turn to expensive private
techcare insurers such as BlueCache/BlueScreen.
Offsetting the costs are technology companies themselves, many of which subsidize ACFs. Firms such as Microsoft, Dell, Qualcomm, and America Online will pay up to 100 percent of a resident's monthly bill, but there is a catch. ISPs, for instance, require residents to sign service contracts lasting a year or more. Microsoft, meanwhile, prohibits the installation of any competitive software, while Priceline requires that residents buy shares of its stock, which seems onerous but saves residents on lavatory tissue.
HOW OLD MUST I BE TO HAVE SOMEONE COMMITTED?
Until very recently, you had to be 18 or older to legally commit a family
member. However, the now famous British court case Frazier vs. Frazier and
Frazier has cleared the way for minors to commit their parents. In that
case, 15-year-old Bradley Frazier of Leicester had his 37-year-old parents
committed to an ACF in Bournemouth after a judge ruled Ian and Janet Frazier
were a "danger to themselves and the community." According to court
records, Bradley told his parents about the ILoveYou virus and warned them not
to click attachments, then the next day his parents received an ILoveYou email
and clicked on the attachment because, they explained, "it came from someone we
know."
WHAT SHOULD I LOOK FOR IN AN ACF?
First, make sure it's a genuine Assisted Computing Facility, and not an Assisted
Living Facility. To tell the difference, observe the residents. If
they look rather old and tend to openly discuss bowel movements, this is
probably assisted living. On the other hand, if they vary in age and say
things like, "I'm supposed to figure that out? I'm not Bill goddamned
Gates you know!", this is probably assisted computing.
Also, at a well-run ACF, residents should lead full, independent lives, and should be allowed the use of many technology devices, including telephones, electric toothbrushes, and alarm clocks. However, only a facility's Licensed Techcare Professionals (LTPs) should perform computational or technological tasks such as installing programs or saving email attachments. And LTPs should NEVER answer residents' questions because studies have shown that answering user questions inevitably makes things worse. Instead, residents should simply have things done for them, relieving them of the pressure to "learn" or "improve."
CAN A RESIDENT EVER GET OUT?
No.
OK, THIS SOUNDS PROMISING. HOW CAN I LEARN MORE?
For your enlightenment, we offer extensive information on Silicon Pines and the
ACF lifestyle, which can be found by clicking one of the links in the navigation
bars found at both the top and bottom of this page. But whatever you
decide, keep in mind that due to demand, ACFs now have long waiting lists.
WebTV subscribers alone will take years to absorb.
Silicon Pines:
making the decision
| a resident's story
| the difference
| ten warning signs
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14:09 30/09/03
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