'True Stories'
Published on Tuesday 30 September 2003
CHRISTOPHER HOPE was disappointed by the warning he spotted on a gallon container of the laboratory disinfectant Hibitane. ; "Avoid contact with brain," it told him, thereby spoiling his plans for a fun-filled afternoon drilling holes in his skull and pouring disinfectant into them.
THE RED LION pub at Lacock in Wiltshire offers whisky-flavoured condoms for sale. ; The small print at the bottom of the machine advises: "Warning - Do not drive while using this product."
WE LEARN that the Acme ultrasonic dog whistle warns purchasers: "This product will be ineffective if your dog is deaf." Well, well, well.
JOHN ISLES writes to tell us his favourite dumb instruction. ; It was on his Kenner Toy Company's "Batman Returns" costume: "CAUTION-FOR PLAY ONLY: Cape does not enable user to fly."
NATURAL JUSTICE, but not the police, has caught up with two men in South Australia who killed a rabbit with high explosive. ; According to a free magazine distributed to Australian expatriates in London, police are looking for the two who apparently tied a stick of gelignite to the bunny and lit the fuse before setting the terrified animal free. ; "The trick backfired," the magazine reports, "when the rabbit took cover under their four-wheel drive vehicle. ; The men escaped but their $20 000 utility was wrecked."
A SOUTH AFRICAN, Jan Louw, has devised an attachment for a vacuum cleaner which lets people cut their own hair. ; The inventor has filed a European patent (EP 144 212) in 11 countries. ; The hair cutter looks like a hair dryer. ; When the tool is connected to the hose of a vacuum cleaner, the air sucked in through the open end drives a turbine which rotates one blade over a stationary blade to create a scissor action. ; To cut hair, the user slides the end of the gadget over the scalp. ; As the air is sucked in to drive the turbine, it also pulls hair in through the scissor gap. ; The length of cut is controlled by extension nozzles of different lengths. ; The shorter the nozzle, the closer the haircut. ; Cut hair ends up in the dust bag of the vacuum cleaner.
THE HUMBLE umbrella may take on a new lease of life in the sort of emergency that makes a sudden downpour seem trivial. ; Gary Kassbaum of Toronto in Canada has filed a European patent application (EP 335 747) suggesting the use of a strong umbrella to make emergency repairs in holed boats or road tankers. ; Kassbaum's umbrella is made from tough waterproof material supported by metal arms which, in conventional fashion, fold flat along a central shaft. ; The arms are held in place under spring tension by a latch ring which connects to a rip cord extending from the end of the central shaft. ; In an emergency-for instance if a lorry tanker is involved in an accident and springs a leak-the driver pushes the folded umbrella through the hole, releases a catch and pulls the cord. ; The umbrella opens inside the holed tank and the pressure of liquid holds it against the inside of the tanker. ; The shaft is then secured on the outside by a locking plate, which forms a temporary seal. ; The seal can be improved by pumping polyurethane down the centre of the shaft and out through holes in the umbrella arms to close any gaps. ; The tanker can then be driven back to base for permanent repair.
IT'S REASSURING to know just what a firm grip on technology some people have. ; According to the Computer Fraud and Security Bulletin, a supermarket tabloid reports that two people were killed by a virus-infected computer in Valparaiso, Chile. ; The virus is said to have created a horned demon which decapitated one worker; the other died from a heart attack. ; Anyone coming within 3 metres of the computer blacked out or started deranged babbling. ; The computer was exorcised.
A GOOD story deserves a good airing. ; What follows was spotted in Bike magazine, which had spotted it in Pilot magazine. ; Two members of the Lothian and Borders traffic police were recently having a pleasant time out on the Scottish moors, trapping speeding motorists with a radar gun. Suddenly their equipment went crazy, registering a speed of over 300 miles per hour. It then locked up completely. ; Seconds later the startled boys in blue understood why, as a low-flying Harrier jet screamed over their heads. ; Upset that their radar gun had been broken, the policemen put in a complaint to the Royal Air Force-only to discover that the damage could easily have been much worse. ; The RAF informed them that the Harrier's target-seeker had locked on to what it had interpreted as enemy radar. ; This immediately triggered an automatic air-to-surface missile attack. ; Fortunately for the two policemen, the Harrier was operating unarmed.
SO FAR as grey matter is concerned, both males and females start out with equal chances. When the educationalists apply their IQ tests, no distinct difference between the sexes emerges. A look at any class in a mixed grammar school makes this obvious. All have passed their 11-plus, and are therefore supposed to be in the upper intelligence bracket. Half the class will be male; half female. Were it overloaded with males, there might be some justification for industry to operate a system of male supremacy. An individual with Applied Systems and Personnel told me "girls sometimes make better programmers than boys because they have more patience and are more meticulous. An intelligent girl who has the patience to do embroidery has just the right mentality to do the job".
CONGRATULATIONS TO the trade magazine Computer Technology for an illuminating article by Michael Doherty about the technology of communicating with the dead. The piece is full of fascinating information about what the author calls "necrophony". Did you know, for example, that Thomas Edison attempted to construct a "spirit communicator" in the 1920s? He didn't get very far but, undaunted, continued the work after his death, communicating his progress through a medium called Sigrum Seuterman in 1967. Since Edison's pioneering efforts, methods of communication with the "living impaired" have come on apace. Tape recorders, in particular, have proved to be immensely useful in recording otherwise inaudible spirit voices. The late Konstantine Raudive, a leader in this field, compiled a collection of 72 000 tapes of spirit recordings while he was still with us. After his death, like Edison, he continued his work from "the other side" and was himself tape-recorded by his followers. Modified telephones have also played a part in necrophony. Several inventors have come up with devices that enable people to phone deceased relatives and friends. Notable among these is the "spiritcom", which Doherty describes as "a complex 29 megahertz communications system that established 'quality' two-way conversations for the first time". Unfortunately, a slight hitch with the spiricom emerged after the death of one of its inventors, William O'Neil, who related through the device that experiments on his side were being conducted at 68 megahertz. The next step is obvious, and people are already working on it. Before long, we will be able to download software that will enable us to communicate with the dead through our computers. If Doherty is to be believed, several companies in the US are on the brink of releasing such software. Feedback foresees problems here, though. How many dead people are computer literate? And are computers on the other side IBM-compatible, or do the living impaired prefer Apple Macs?
I AM grateful to Feedback for bringing the science of necrophony (the technology of communicating with the dead) to a wider public. I can advise that this technology is in current commercial use in Surrey. Readers seeking further information are directed to clairvoyant Sheila ("Medium, Tarot, Palmistry, private or group appointments") whose classified advertisement appears in this week's Farnham Free Local Ads under the appropriate heading "Hi-Fi, stereo and Radio Equipment". Elliot Manley.
WE ARE disappointed that you see fit to make light of our latest research on communication between the living and the "living impaired", as you so unpleasantly nominate us. At this very moment we are busy rolling out Hades Explorer 4.0, heralding an unparalleled increase in the volume of living-dead communications. You will be communicating with us soon, one way or another. Thomas Edison Necrophony Inc. Hades
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