Unofficial History
Published on Tuesday 30 September 2003
Compiled by Richard Lederer
It is truly astounding what havoc students can wreak upon the chronicles of the human race. I have pasted together the following history of the world from genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eighth grade through college level. Read carefully and you will learn a lot.
- Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies, and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah dessert and travelled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas if the dessert are cultivated by irritation. Early Egyptian women often wore a garment called a calasirirs. It was a sheer dress which started beneath the bust which hung to the floor.
- The pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain. The Egyptians built the pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube.
- The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
- One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the river Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in The Illiad by Homer. Homer also wrote The Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer, but by another man of that name.
- Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death his career suffered a dramatic decline.
- In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath.
- Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.
- Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made King. Dying, he gasped out, "Tee hee, Brutus." Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
- Rome came to have too many luxuries and baths. At Roman banquets, the guest wore garlics in their hair. They took two baths in two days, and that's the cause of the fall of Rome. Rome is full of fallen arches today.
- In midevil times, most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature. During this time people put on morality plays about ghosts, goblins, virgins and other mythical creatures. Another story was about William Tell, who shot an arrow though an apple while standing on his son's head.
- The Renaisance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being.
- The government of England was a limited mockery. From the womb of Henry VIII Protestantism was born. He found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee.
- Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen". As a Queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before the troops, they all shouted "hurrah". Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.
- It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Frances Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
- The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. Shakespeare was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.
- In one of Shakespeare's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. His mind is filled with the filth of incestuous sheets which he pours over every time he sees his mother. In another play, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. The clown in "As You Like It" is named Touchdown, and "Romeo and Juliet" is an example of an heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
- Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote". The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost". Then his wife died and he wrote, "Paradise regained".
- During the Renaissance, America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the "Nina", the "Pinta" and the "Santa Fe".
- Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called "Pilgrim's Progress". The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all of this.
- One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was that the English put tacks on their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. During the War, the Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.
- Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the declaration of Independence. Franklin invented electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided by against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father of our Country. His farewell address was Mount Vernon.
- Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
- Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Lincoln said, "In onion there is strength."
- Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while travelling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.
- On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theatre and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
- Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable thing. Voltaire invented electricity and wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off trees.
- Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large.
- Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in life and later died for this.
- France was a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorillas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any kids.
- The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest Queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a model woman who practised virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
- The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the "Organ of the Species". Madman Curry discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.
- The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
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