The Creation Of Shipston
Published on Tuesday 30 September 2003
As I squint through cleaner parts of the glazed murky filth that passes as a window, in the miserable abomination that God himself created, but then tripped over and sat on...
As I glance cheerfully out of my window in sunny Shipston...
Authors never tell the truth, without actually ever lying. I doubt it's anything to do with their morals, or sense of humour, or anything like that, it's just that real stuff isn't very interesting. Either that or every one knows it already. Take the two examples at the top. Both are, in their literal sense, true. But the second one has been skillfully manouvered in order to suggest something entirely impossible. Notice how in the second example I have used the word "sunny", in place of more popular terms such as "illuminated by satan's hellfire" or "blistering". I haven't lied, I've merely bent the (non-shatter) truth until its gone all white around the edges.
All that asside, authors are still very clever because they can think up opening lines for books. Very hard to do. Just try one or two. Then stop. How would you start for instance, a book about Shipston. Perhaps with a view across the newt pond...
"...and as the smooth lines of gurgling wet mud, interrrupted only by the occasional basking trolly, faded gradually into the genetically modified reeds, something came to the surface for air. I watched it surface, as it timidly settled. It was close enough for me to read it's make and number. One of the best oil filters ever made for the early fiesta models. I began to..."
Perhaps it should be like a scaled down bible. That would be easy. The story of Shipston's creation first. Then it's rules and regulations and stuff. So... creation first...
...and God looked down at what he had made, and said, "Hey!! I'm good. Very good. Just look at all those cows and ants and sheep and stuff. But wait! there's more". God consentrated hard and brought forth hippos from the rocks. "Wow! I have such an imagination! It's a bit like a cow but with a huge mouth. I wonder if they float... excellent!"
Much later...
"I'll try a new type of bird, they're pretty cool, flying and stuff. There we go. (a bat appears). Oh. Now thats not so great. Pretty ugly in fact. Dosen't seem to hang the right way either."
Then God created wasps and scorpians, because he had some bits left over. God saw them and thought them to be ugly also.
"Damn, must be getting late. I wish I hadn't separated the light from the darkness. Can hardly see where I'm going. BLOODY HELL! WHAT THE HELL HAVE I STEPPED IN! F***ing dinosours. Right, thats it. YOU'RE ALL EXTINCT! I DON'T CARE WHO IT WAS, YOU'RE ALL GOING. (Note to self: invent shoes, first thing Tuesday.) Now I've just got to wipe this c**p off somewhere... There we go... Oh hell, that was one of my favourites, now it's all screwed up. SATAN!"
"Yeah what? Still playing with that stuff? It's going to be like, a complete flop, I'm telling you."
"Yeah yeah. You keep saying, but I've got you a peace offering. It's this brilliant little town, thought it would look great in hell. Full of extorsionate shops and everything. I could take the churches out if you wanted."
"What the hell have you done to it? You must be joking! It's, like, totally covered in s**t!" God had been rumbled.
"Oh so it is. Ha ha, how did that get there. So you don't want it?"
"I told you dinosours wouldn't work. I already have several of yours anyway. Those ones you gave me last week remember? Luton, Telford, and that wierd one.."
"Milton Keynes? I don't know what I was thinking. I haven't decided where to put it yet, but it'll make great eternal punishment for HGV drivers."
"OK. Fair enough."
So God kept the town and called it Shipston. He put it as far away from the coast as possible, to try and stop it polluting the seas. It probably wouldn't last long anyway...
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14:25 30/09/03
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